Words!

Words can hurt!

I am sure most adults know this. Yet, even with the best of intentions, we sometimes end up hurting people. Or, if not hurting, causing some amount of discomfort at least.

Sometimes it is mere thoughtlessness; sometimes it is blindness to our privilege.

Both, I believe, are not recommended. For, if being thoughtful of the diversity among the people of this world and being aware of our own privilege--given to us by social constructs--can mean that we cause less pain to folks who are not quite so privileged, then, why be thoughtless?

Why be blind?

Where's this coming from?

From a mail that a person sent to my mailbox (look at the image above) intending to inspire, and yet managed to cause only irritation and discomfort.

The irritation and discomfort were--

side-effects (alas) of wondering who made this person the judge of love stories (is there a panel out there that sits and decides which are the best stories of love and commitment in real life?);

frustration at the caption's blatant discounting of his mother (however, this seems to be internet wide, for, except for that early bit in the above image, I could find no stories from Hoyt's mother's perspective);

and discouragement at being told that love between two men (and by extension two women, or anybody in between) is something surprising and oh yeah, don't you worry because we are talking about a father and a son here (and the paternal and filial love), nothing to feel uncomfortable about.

Not to mention wonder at the inherent thought in that post that folks who are differently-abled are somehow not capable of doing certain things or achieving certain landmarks that most humans can, and hence, when someone like that achieves something, all the privileged people should gather around and award them or pat them on the back because, well, you know, who can judge better than the privileged what a certain person can or can't do?

Perhaps, the irritation was unwarranted. After all, Hoyt's story was worth knowing, no matter what the caption or the snippet on that message said. 

However, words have power don't they?

Power to discount!Power to invalidate!

Power to make a person feel less than a person!

Power to spread unhappiness!

Words, if given some thought and awareness, also has the power to be inclusive! Power to inspire!

Power to make a person feel like a person!

Power to spread happiness!

Just thought and awareness is all your need. To turn the power of words around.

Art and Life, and Drishyam

Spoiler Alert: Drishyam, Malayalam movie

What do you do if somebody took unauthorised naked pictures of you, and then blackmailed you with them demanding favours in return for discretion? Assume you are a teenage girl (apparently no-one wants naked pictures of guys, I wonder why). I’ll tell you what Drishyam, a popular Malayalam movie, says you should do. You should plead with the guy to please delete the pictures and save your face (oh, yes, your honour, status of your family etc. rest on how well your body is covered, in case you didn’t know). And in case no amount of pleading worked (if you are wondering why it would work when the guy had no scruples taking your unauthorised pictures in the first place, I am right there with you), and if you accidentally kill the blackmailer because you hit the guy with a hard pipe in frustration, you should most certainly bury the body, and assist your father cover up the death. At no point during these set of events should you approach the law enforcement and ask for assistance.

Oh, what is it that you say? This wasn’t the point of the story? The point of the story was the cover-up of the crime in a masterful manner by a villager with no secondary education, who had a thing for movies? The story was about how far he would go to protect his family and how ingenuous he was in doing that? Oh, I know. My point is, if that is the premise, why take such a volatile issue as your setting? Why not let him or his wife, or even his kid, accidentally murder someone in a completely different and more mundane setting? Something like an argument that got out of hand; can happen with teenagers, right? Why take this issue up and then trivialise it by focusing on the master distracter? Worse, mislead people? Well, I can hazard a guess. So, that you can create sympathetic characters who deserve to be saved; anything more mundane, and public wouldn’t be so a-okay with a cover-up, no matter how wonderful the script. However, the movie with some other setting would still have been well made and better still, it wouldn’t be so damaging (well, I do wish the movie had also shown the actual cost of killing someone and then not paying for it much in physical terms—the toll on your conscience, but that argument is for another day).

It’s just a movie, perhaps you say. It doesn’t mean anything. But, you see, if Drishyam shows anything, it is the power of the visual medium, especially films. The protagonist learns a lot by watching movies. In fact, it is because of his passion for films coupled with his ability to apply what he learnt, that he is able to get his family out of the trouble they are in. And perhaps his family is not as well versed as him in movie lore, but they have seen enough as well. What does it tell you about movies, that neither the girl nor her mother knew what is to be done when you are being blackmailed with a bunch of your naked photos? And now, we have another movie that says much the same thing. That a, if your naked pics ends up in the net, your life is over (only if you are a girl), and b, that there are no legal channels through which you can protect yourself if it is such a big deal for you. Because janamaitri police, people friendly police, is just a myth (unless, the protagonist of your movie is a male police officer).

I am not saying we have the best non-corrupt police officers in the world; police can be corrupt, I know that. Neither am I saying that in certain untenable situations, people don’t end up making mistakes and doing drastic stuff. I know they do. However, the point here is that this is a movie, not a real life situation. The movie maker had a choice. It’s okay when (s)he uses scenarios where public is fully aware and the movie is just an entertainer—like the aforementioned mundane argument, for example. In the case of such a contentious, muddy scenario though (as that of unauthorised breach of privacy and blackmail), where people in general have all these wrong ideas about stuff, it would’ve been more appropriate, more socially aware, to not have used it.

Art can imitate life. But art also needs to be aware of the fact that it influences life.

Being Second Rate Citizens or Expanding Your Mind?

Would going to another country make you a second rate citizen, subordinate to the natives in all manner of freedom and opportunities? That seems to be the consensus among most movies made in Bollywood (Hindi Film Industry) or in Kerala (is there a Hollywood-like name for the Malayalam Film Industry?). Whenever a character shows aspiration towards settling abroad, due to the increased amenities of course, there is never any other reason for a character to want to settle in the West, someone else always points out that one should remain in one's own country and put one's talents to good use towards that country's growth. If not that, there is always this point raised that one would always be second to the natives wherever one goes except in the country to which one culturally belongs to. And because of that, you should remain in your country of birth or the geographical location where your roots or your parents roots are.

Obviously, I disagree. Even if it were true that we would be second grade citizens elsewhere in the world, and that is probably true to a certain extent in terms of social norms, if not by by law (because as far as I know laws of most countries in the West* do not discriminate based on race, colour or culture), we cannot refuse to move around. If each and every one of us sat tight in our country of origin because we are afraid of racial prejudice and closed-mindedness on behalf of people in other countries, then humans are doomed.
Because isolationism never helped anybody. All it does is make us blind to our faults, stifle those of us with any open-mindedness or those who think different or are different (because hey, any difference is wrong and rates prejudice, right?), and ensure that the resources of the world are not properly utilised. It prevents us from working together for the betterment of humanity and instead ensures that we engage in petty conflicts that lose lives and cost the economy. It prevents our minds from expanding and instead focuses and exaggerates our fears and insecurities.

Am I saying that everyone should leave their country of origin and move to some other place? Or that an Indian (or a person of any other nationality) born somewhere else should not move back to India (or their root location)? Definitely not. If that is your thing, then by all means do it. If you are feeling a pull towards the geographical location of your birth or your roots, then don't let any grand idea of open mindedness bother you. However, if it is not, if you would like to settle in a country of your choice, and if that country would have you, then don't let any misguided loyalty to your culture or any patriotism stop you from moving. And, don't do that to anyone else either.

Because mixing of cultures is good people. It won't kill us. It would nourish us and take us forward.

*No idea about other countries (after all, West is not the whole world), but despite laws, if people want to move, I am all for it.

I, Me, Myself

Every time I see a news item about the abducted Nigerian School Girls, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s pure happenstance (whatever Bill Bryson says) that I am here in India, being whatever I am now, instead of being an abducted school girl in Nigeria.

And I wish the world were a place where I could be a school girl in Nigeria, a Crimean Turk in Russia (or for that matter in Crimea), an Arab in Israel, a Jew in Palestine, a gay woman who likes-to-drink or smoke in India, a coloured gay person in the United States, a person of colour in the United Kingdom, a bushman or woman in Africa, a religious person in China, a non-communist or non-putinist (is that a word?) in Russia, a Buddhist in Tibet, an orthodox Muslim in the West (or much of India for that matter), a not-for-military-coup person in Thailand, or a transgender person just about anywhere and… have the same freedom and same opportunity  to exist, excel and enjoy as say a white straight man in an American or Common Wealth city would have.

Sigh…

PS: Of course, it’s all about me… need you ask?

Protecting Our Culture

Who wants to live in the past?

If they had a time machine, who would go back to the medieval India or ancient India and decide to stay there instead of coming back to modern times?

From what I can see of the reactions to the month Supreme Court verdict and the comments on news items relating to the ban on homosexuality in India, many would.

Numerous are the comments that say that the Supreme Court has upheld Indian culture by striking down the Delhi High court verdict which favoured homosexual acts between consensual adults.  

For now, let us forget the fact that ancient India had a much higher tolerance towards homosexuality. Let us also forget that Indian mythology and scriptures have examples of Lesbian, Gay and transgender people.

Let us consider instead how life would be like if you were to go back to medieval India and be a Hindu.

Whatever the profession of your caste, you were supposed to stick to that. Let all men born to Brahmin families be teachers and priests, let all male kshatriyas join the army, let all vaisyas be merchants, and let all shudras be servants. Let other castes do jobs that the four castes won’t touch. Let anyone who doesn’t practice this be cast out or killed.

Oh, you like physics and want to be physicist? Are you a male Brahmin? No? Then you are not entitled.

What? You want to become a police officer? Wait? Are you a male Kshatriya? No, then you cannot join the police.

Goodness, you are a shudra and you want to become a doctor? How dare you? It doesn’t matter if you have the brains; you need the birth.

Oh no Ma’am! If you are a woman, what is in your head doesn’t matter. Are you a virgin? Can you give birth to a male child? That is the only thing that matters where you are concerned. [Though it seems depending on the region, higher class women were allowed to have an education. And there were exceptional women in Indian history, Rani Lakshmi Bai being a prime example. However, they had no status independent of their husband, father or brother.]

The widows were either burnt or were social or familial outcastes.  Let us bring back the sati, shall we?

Oh come on, go ahead and burn your widowed daughter… or, relegate her to the darkest corners of your house clad in white. Let us forget that she is human. After all, we want to follow the highly exalted Indian culture.

Marriages were based on castes and economic status. Let love have no place in society because all men should marry within their castes, irrespective of the fact that they may fall in love with someone of an upper or lower caste.

Oh, you fell in love with a woman of a lower caste or another religion? Bad luck buddy. Just have an illegitimate liaison with her. We don’t mind that. We mind only marriages and sharing of wealth and name. Let her bear the fruits of your passion and shame along with that. Not your fault.

No lady. You cannot fall in love with anyone. Not even a man of your own caste. Your elders will decide what is best for you. Yes, that will be based on what will best benefit them politically or economically, but then, that is our culture, isn’t it? Women exist to serve men.

Domestic violence, murder for caste, economic and religious reasons, and exploitation were all but institutionalised. Let women be beaten and raped. Let the higher caste youth who dared to love a lower caste girl be cast out. Let the lower castes do all the work while the kshatriyas or rajputs relaxed.

Oh dear! You are falling ill because of back breaking labour? I am so sorry to hear that. However, there is nothing that can be done. You are doing your duty for your Zamindar. It is up to your Zamindar to help you or not. Don’t worry lad, I will pray for you. May you be born to a higher class in your next birth.

So, commenters, politicians and bloggers, highly educated Indians, are you willing to pay the price to go back to the past? Are you willing to give up your freedom to choose your career, your life partner, your economic situation?

Or, have you got tunnel vision when it comes to our culture? How do you decide which part is right and which part wrong? Those parts that you are uncomfortable with are wrong and everything else is right?

Our culture neither ancient nor medieval was perfect. It promoted a lot of discriminatory practices based on nothing but birth. When it came to women and lower castes, these discriminatory practices bordered on cruel.

Why would you, why would anyone who is educated decide that another discriminatory practice of those times is good, just because it concerns a much misunderstood minority?

Note: I know that many of these abhorrent discriminatory practices against women and lower castes are prevalent in India, even today. However, many educated Indians agree or pretend to agree that discrimination based on caste or gender is wrong. There are laws, at least on paper, which protect victims of discrimination. There are Bollywood movies that spread the message enthusiastically that Romantic Love between a man and a woman is wonderful, no matter which caste, class or religion they belong to. Unfortunately, these courtesies are not extended to the LGBTs. (I know, I know, when it comes to safety of women, the economic situation of lower castes in rural areas, the question of inter caste/inter religious or even inter class marriages, things are far from perfect. That is beyond the scope of this article. So, please don’t say, hey but this happens to these people. I know it does, and I hope they protest. I am with them.)

To Add My Voice to the Many (cont.)

Me: Stop looking for guys for me because I am gay!

Friend: Really? Why didn’t you tell me before? We could’ve taken a house and stayed together and then I wouldn’t have had to get married.

*Jaw hits the floor; and wishes fervently for magic to make words remain unspoken.*

Friend: You know, as friends. I wouldn’t have got married, if I knew I didn’t need to be alone…

Oh! Thank God!

I now know how Gretchen Thomas felt when Liz Lemon proposed they move in together after 25 years if both of them are single at the time… Except that I don’t have a thing for my friend, of course. (Also, in case you were wondering, I would have totally made a life altering change and gone for the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian…)

Disclaimer: I am not entirely convinced that I am a lesbian. I may be an asexual or an asexual lesbian; while I have had crushes on XX people (and to a very very lesser extent on those with a Y chromosome), I have rarely had a single sexual feeling towards anyone. All of my crushes were emotional ones. Still, reading the news about the Supreme Court verdict on homosexuality made me realise that I identify with lesbians. I take offense at the suggestion that the law has any business deciding what consensual adults do with each other; and I will always side with those who fight against this discrimination.

To Add My Voice to the Many (cont.)

Me: Hey, what would you say if I told you that I am gay?

Friend: Are you crazy?

;-(

Me: No, I am not. I really am gay!

Friend: All right! Hey, did you watch this new movie called...

That is it? I convey this life changing revelation, and that is your reaction!!

On second thoughts, thank you for taking it as just another fact about me.

To Add My Voice to the Many (cont.)

Here are a few of my friends’ reaction.

Me: You know, I think I am gay!

Friend: Oh, I knew already!

And all that time I wasted trying to figure it out!! Damn, should’ve just asked you.

To Add My Voice to the Many

In light of the recent blow to Indian gays (you know, the month old Supreme Court ruling, declaring that the Delhi High Court ruling that strikes out section 377 is wrong, as long as the people involved are consenting adults) I decided to come out to my mother. (The judges said that they are ruling against the High Court verdict because they don’t think many people are affected by it… Naturally, I thought I should do my bit to bring the numbers up.)

Here is her reaction.

Mother: “Why are you telling me this?”

Ah! Ignorance is bliss?

Me: “So that, if and when I find someone, you are prepared.”

Mother: “You know just because you may like someone that way doesn't mean they will like you that way too…”

And here I thought that I just need to fall for a person for them to love me back!

Me: “That is true for everybody mother.”

Mother: “You know, there is no need for you to form ideas based on all those books you read. You are probably asexual. I know you are not attracted to guys. That is all right. Just be asexual and don’t marry.”

Me: “I know what I am amma!”

Mother: “Yeah! You aren’t gay probably! So, there is no need for you to tell anyone else. Because you are probably just forming ideas based on books…”

I am glad you aren’t a big fan of science fiction mother…

Mother: Anyways, you know that I love and accept you as you are, right?

Thank you.

Freedom

How does it feel to be born in the nineteenth century, or the early to mid twentieth century? Or, even in today’s world to a set of parents who do not give as much importance to an individual’s freedom of thought as mine do?
How does it feel to have your ability to do something, to take a course of action, be restricted, no, be removed, by an outdated mindset?
How does it feel when the only options available are: be true to your own self and be subjected to a lot of vitriol and self doubt, or be true to the times and die in your heart?
I have this question often… When I read history books, when I listen to folks of my parents’ generation talk about their marriages and their lives in general, when I see a certain individual’s reactions to their daughter deciding to marry a person of her choice…
I have had this question often… I never thought I would have the opportunity to find out the answer… (God, I wish I never had.)
Let me tell you, it is stifling…
It is maddening… 
It makes you feel like a minute grain of sand and an elephant in an arena full of spectators at the same time…

It also made me decide that I would rather face vitriol than wear death on my heart.

A few things to keep in mind…

I don’t promise to be regular…
I don’t promise to write about issues/events/emotions/genre that interest you…
I don’t promise to write for your side of the matter… 
I don’t even promise to be particularly intellectual about anything…
With these caveats, let us move on…

Why I Started This Blog

Hmm…

May be it has something to do with the fact that I am bored out of mind and need to do something with my intellect… (Well, as much of it as I have, anyways.)

May be it has something to do with the fact that I am irritated by the Aam Aadmi Party (the common man’s party) as I have never been by the Congress and the BJP… (Irritation is good people, it makes you pay attention; it’s indifference that you need to watch out for.)

May be it has something to do with the month old Supreme Court verdict that struck down the Delhi High Court ruling about homosexuality…

May be it has something to do with the realisation that even if it is just one voice adding to the clamour, even if it is just one more voice that could go unheard, it is still better than not speaking out at all… (Regret for the things you did is better than regrets for the things you didn’t.)

May be it has something to do with the epiphany I had one evening while travelling; that I am nowhere near the kind of person I admire and want to be.

Anyways, here we are…